How to Be a Mildly Attractive Human

On By amanda (Just in Queso)

attractive1

Do you ever feel that your physical appearance is way too gorgeous? Are you always looking for ways to ugly yourself up a bit? Well, look no further! I’ve got just the solution to help you take your looks from devastatingly beautiful to simple and run of the mill.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m a natural talent at looking normal and average. You know those days where all aspects of your appearance cooperate with each other and look on-point at the same time? I sure don’t! As one area of my appearance improves, another falls apart. Something about my appearance is always amiss.

How can you be more like me, you ask? Take a look at how I effectively balance my style and beauty so that I never look too attractive or put together…

  •  Just bought a brand new shirt! It looks great with my favorite jeans!
    –> Grows a fresh crop of pimples on face.
  • After tons of work, skin finally looks clear!
    –> Gets haircut that makes me look like an early-2000s pop star
  • Figured out a way to style my outdated hair!
    –> Attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes and have freakish allergic reaction that makes the bites swell up to the size of baseballs and take weeks to heal.

(I’m still not quite over that last one.)

If horrendous allergic reactions are a bit too extreme for you (pansy), there are other ways to de-beautify yourself. For example, if you have naturally clear skin, a red marker can go a long way in creating acne spots. If your hair is gorgeously frizz-free, I suggest washing it with gasoline instead of shampoo, and using dirty gardening tools to style it.

Giving up hygiene products for several days is always an idea too.

If one day you find that your hair, skin, and makeup are all looking good, and you’re even dressed in a nice outfit (the horrors!), you can always sabotage your look by accidentally breaking a pen and spilling ink all over yourself like some sort of unstoppable moron.

That never happened to me.

(Okay, that’s a lie. It did happen. I had to leave work in the middle of the day to change my clothes. I’m a style badass.)

It’s important to not go overboard in the anti-attractiveness department, however. The goal is to look as average as you possibly can – NOT to look like this guy:

hairymonster

To help us all find the line between slight attractiveness and slight Shrek-ness, I created this handy table:

 

Untitled drawing(4)

If you’re greatly disturbed by people constantly asking you for beauty and skin tips, simply follow my advice, and they’ll pester you no longer!

What are your tips for decreasing the attractiveness of your makeup, hair, and skin? Is this something you struggle with, or do you find that you have natural talent for it, like I do?

13 thoughts on “How to Be a Mildly Attractive Human”

  3. momsranting

    I find that if you continue to shave your legs with the same razor for weeks, you can develop some pretty awesome shave burn that you can then highlight with your too small shorts that somehow shrunk over the winter. Nothing says sad and mediocre like pasty white shave burned legs on the first day it is warm enough to bare them.

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      1. momsranting

        I want people to wonder if I actually have cottage cheese stuck to the back of my thighs…or is that just cellulite

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      2. Gosh, you’re such a natural at this mild attractiveness thing. I want to spend half an hour styling my hair, only for people to look at me and think, “Did she do her hair today, or no?” I WANT them to be unsure.

        Like

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