Actually, you can keep your wife and kids. But you should hide your dogs from me, because I want to kidnap them.
I’ve experienced the full spectrum of appreciation when it comes to dogs. For the first few years of my life, I was petrified of them, and then I gradually grew to love them – especially our family dogs, Abby and Caramel.
Unfortunately, I’ve been dogless for the past few years that I’ve lived alone, and lately, my love for them has grown into an obsession. Instead of homesick, I’m dogsick.
Too bad my apartment complex doesn’t allow pets.
I think about the cuddly fur balls way more often than a grown-up should. I squeal over pictures and videos of them on the Internet. I visit family members I haven’t seen in awhile, only to ignore them and make a beeline for their dogs.
I’ve even volunteered to house-sit for my friend when she was only going to be gone for a few hours – because I wanted to hang out with her energetic, loving canine.
Now, when I see dogs out in public, living their doggy lives, I entertain the idea of abducting them.
I have thoughts like, “I wonder how quickly I could unhook that corgi from his leash and get him into my car.” Or, “Hmm…that chihuahua is pretty little. I could probably slip her in my pocket without anyone noticing.”
You know how when you’re trying to eat healthier, you say to yourself, “You can’t have sweets. You can’t have pizza. No pasta!” Then you spend so much time telling yourself what you CAN’T have, that suddenly the no-no foods are all you can think about. And then you go crazy and wind up stuffing your face with every single item in the refrigerator. Including the Tupperware.
It’s like that, but with dogs.
My inner voice is saying, “You can’t have a dog, Amanda. It’s not allowed. No, stop it! Stop considering moving to another place just so you can get one! And stop Googling ‘how to hide dogs from landlords’! NO DOGS.”
My fear is that if I keep saying these things to myself, I’ll eventually snap. I’ll free all the dogs in the nearest shelter, herd them into my apartment, and then sleep in a ball on the floor, because they’ll all have taken over my bed. Worth it.
Currently, my life is more like this:
But I’d LIKE for it to look more like this:
I’m sorry, but what kind of evil overlord doesn’t want me to have a cute, furry-faced friend, or twenty? Clearly, my apartment management is made up of droopy, dreary people who probably eat kittens for breakfast and laugh at crying children.
Barring a move to a new place, I do have a couple of Dogsickness remedies to consider:
- Ignore my apartment’s rules and get a dog anyway. Carry the dog wrapped up in a blanket, and occasionally push it around in a stroller, so everyone thinks it’s a human baby. A human baby who barks sometimes. No big deal.
Troubleshooting: If someone mentions the impressive hairiness of my baby, I’ll cry and say that she “looks just like her father.”
- Get a life-sized stuffed dog. Spend a great deal of time convincing self that it is indeed a real dog. Consider getting hypnosis so that the lie sinks in even deeper. Take stuffed animal, er…I mean, real live dog, on walks around the neighborhood.
Troubleshooting: When questioned by others, imply that they are the crazy ones for thinking my dog is fake. If they press me, proudly declare that she “looks just like her father.”
Or maybe I’ll just quit my job, move to Maybee, Michigan, and beg for a position at the Lucky Puppy Dog Daycare.
I’ll probably permanently smell like wet dog. Worth it.
If you have dogs (or other pets), what’s your favorite thing about having them? Do you see any downsides to pet ownership? If you don’t have pets, how badly do you want one?