Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wife, & Hide Ya Dogs

Actually, you can keep your wife and kids. But you should hide your dogs from me, because I want to kidnap them.

dognapping2

I’ve experienced the full spectrum of appreciation when it comes to dogs. For the first few years of my life, I was petrified of them, and then I gradually grew to love them – especially our family dogs, Abby and Caramel.

Unfortunately, I’ve been dogless for the past few years that I’ve lived alone, and lately, my love for them has grown into an obsession. Instead of homesick, I’m dogsick.

 Too bad my apartment complex doesn’t allow pets.

I think about the cuddly fur balls way more often than a grown-up should. I squeal over pictures and videos of them on the Internet. I visit family members I haven’t seen in awhile, only to ignore them and make a beeline for their dogs.

I’ve even volunteered to house-sit for my friend when she was only going to be gone for a few hours – because I wanted to hang out with her energetic, loving canine.

Now, when I see dogs out in public, living their doggy lives, I entertain the idea of abducting them.

I have thoughts like, “I wonder how quickly I could unhook that corgi from his leash and get him into my car.” Or,  “Hmm…that chihuahua is pretty little. I could probably slip her in my pocket without anyone noticing.”

dognapping5.jpg

You know how when you’re trying to eat healthier, you say to yourself, “You can’t have sweets. You can’t have pizza. No pasta!” Then you spend so much time telling yourself what you CAN’T have, that suddenly the no-no foods are all you can think about. And then you go crazy and wind up stuffing your face with every single item in the refrigerator. Including the Tupperware.

It’s like that, but with dogs.

My inner voice is saying, “You can’t have a dog, Amanda. It’s not allowed. No, stop it! Stop considering moving to another place just so you can get one! And stop Googling ‘how to hide dogs from landlords’! NO DOGS.”

My fear is that if I keep saying these things to myself, I’ll eventually snap. I’ll free all the dogs in the nearest shelter, herd them into my apartment, and then sleep in a ball on the floor, because they’ll all have taken over my bed. Worth it.

Currently, my life is more like this:

dognapping3

But I’d LIKE for it to look more like this:

dognapping4

I’m sorry, but what kind of evil overlord doesn’t want me to have a cute, furry-faced friend, or twenty?  Clearly, my apartment management is made up of droopy, dreary people who probably eat kittens for breakfast and laugh at crying children.

 Barring a move to a new place, I do have a couple of Dogsickness remedies to consider:

  1. Ignore my apartment’s rules and get a dog anyway. Carry the dog wrapped up in a blanket, and occasionally push it around in a stroller, so everyone thinks it’s a human baby. A human baby who barks sometimes. No big deal.

Troubleshooting: If someone mentions the impressive hairiness of my baby, I’ll cry and  say that she “looks just like her father.”

 

  1. Get a life-sized stuffed dog. Spend a great deal of time convincing self that it is indeed a real dog. Consider getting hypnosis so that the lie sinks in even deeper. Take stuffed animal, er…I mean, real live dog, on walks around the neighborhood.

Troubleshooting: When questioned by others, imply that they are the crazy ones for thinking my dog is fake. If they press me, proudly declare that she “looks just like her father.”

 

Or maybe I’ll just quit my job, move to Maybee, Michigan, and beg for a position at the Lucky Puppy Dog Daycare.

dognapping6.gif

I’ll probably permanently smell like wet dog. Worth it.

If you have dogs (or other pets), what’s your favorite thing about having them? Do you see any downsides to pet ownership? If you don’t have pets, how badly do you want one?

 

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wife, & Hide Ya Dogs

  1. I spent my childhood without pets because of severe allergies. When I got to college I got allergy shots and got my first cat. I was hooked. I am still allergic to them, still getting allergy shots but have had cats and a dog ever since. How can you not love those faces?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I know! I’m allergic to cats too, but still can’t seem to resist them. My friend has the world’s sweetest cat, and she’ll curl up in my lap and purr – there’s no way I can kick her off my lap when she’s doing that haha. Sweet fur babies!

      Like

  2. laufvergnügen

    I recommend volunteering with animals. I have on and off throughout my life; currently, I’m in an off period because I’m going back to school while working full-time, but I’ve volunteered for shelters and rescues. Even though I have two cats and a dog, I am always looking for more fur therapy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely start with volunteering. Also, you might check out renting a house that is dog friendly. Leave apartment life behind…it is never going to be like Friends no matter how much you wish it would. 😥

    You might consider before jumping head over heels into getting a pet of any kind, fostering. There is a great need for foster parents that work with rescues. You get the cool factor of having a pet and when you need to take a long vacation or something, you can take a pause. Or was that “paws”? You also will get to experience different personalities that pets can have and different breeds and understand how these things influence a dog. I’m currently thinking it would be nice to add a Golden Retriever mix or a kitty to my household. I just haven’t convinced my other two pets yet.

    People with pets tend to be happier and live longer according to studies. Plus, they help you to ensure balance in your life. No staying at work till all hours of the night when Fifi needs to be let outside to potty.

    If you do make the move and get a dog, I encourage you to get an older dog/non-puppy. Puppies are going to find a home. Older dogs have a lot more trouble and the stress of rescue living is harder on them because at some point they most likely have known love and a home. The other factor is that you will know what kind of personality they have and you won’t be waiting for the puppy stage to wear off to find out. Older dogs are often potty trained, leash trained, and skilled in not being an absolutely needy furry child.

    There is nothing like being greeted at the door by your furry kids when you get home. Or when you take the trash out and come back in. They make you feel loved and needed. Sometimes they are too needy…like when they camp out at the door to the bathroom or just push the door open on their own because the door doesn’t seem to catch when it is closed. You can’t feel any safer than when your dog is guarding you while you go potty…or distracted then when the cat is slipping behind the toilet and his tail is running up your thigh. Seriously Cat?!?!? Of course, there is always the food wars and begging like you starve them. Their food costs more than mine!

    Or, the peace you feel listening to their soft little snores, their little wimpers chasing dreams, or their sweet cuddles at bedtime. They teach you to slow down and appreciate life, because we never know how much we have together and no matter how much it is it will never be enough. They teach you to find the positive in everything and that ANYTHING can be an adventure. They’ll also frustrate the hell out of you, but they are totally worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can totally relate to this but about cats. Our three are geriatric and we have promised each other NEVER to have animals again. I will turn into you, taking furry cat toys to bed, making pets of lizards and possums and generally turning into a crazier cat lady than I am now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I lean more towards dogs since I’m allergic to cats, but I definitely feel like there’s a crazy cat lady hiding somewhere inside me 🙂 Getting a lizard isn’t a bad idea – they may not be super cuddly, but my apartment mgmt probably wouldn’t find out 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh god, I’m unhealthfully obsessed with my dog. I used to be married and it seemed to just look cute, like we were a healthy family of three. But now that I’m single, it’s starting to look like I’m The Crazy Dog Lady, even though my obsession hasn’t actually worsened. I’ll even tell people something like, “Yeah, so last night we had dinner and watched The Voice. We think the play-fighting between Blake and Adam is getting annoying.” And I just mean my dog and me for all of that.

    ANYWAY, also… not to encourage anything, but when I was a kid, we “snuck” our dog into an apartment that we had to live in for a while. The landlord actually knew, but asked us to keep it a secret. The dog was 10 pounds, so we’d wrap her in a blanket to take her to the car, but her tail always snuck out and I wondered exactly what kind of crazy the neighbors thought we were… 0:-]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! I’m genuinely a Crazy Dog Lady at heart – (the fact that I don’t actually have a dog is just a small detail.)

      While I was working on this post, I came across an article about “unhealthy obsessions with pets.” The items were things like “takes pets everywhere” and “holds conversations with pets” and I was thinking…hmmm, NOT seeing the problem here, people! Clearly, that writer was just jealous. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: My Chance to Kidnap a Dog: The Story of Scruffles – Just in Queso

  7. Probably the best thing about being a homeowner is the fact that I can have dogs. I have two. And I want more….but that’s another conversation. The house work and constant maintenance isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be but I love having my dogs around. They’re our kids.
    I also have an overweight cat with an annoying obsession with going in and out every 15 minutes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh, that is lucky! I think there are a lot of benefits to renting an apt as opposed to buying a house (for me, anyway), but that would definitely be a major perk of owning. And I totally think you should get more dogs. I watched 101 Dalmatians over the weekend, and seeing all those puppies crammed in one little house seemed totally plausible to me haha 😀

      I think my friend’s dog has the same disease as your cat. She wants to go out, but spends about 4 seconds out there before begging to come back in. And then the cycle repeats.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: 6 Sort-of-Smart Things I Do Sometimes – Just in Queso

  9. Pingback: Happy Birthday, Just in Queso! – Just in Queso

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s