The Mosquito is So Not Neat-O

Ahhh…summertime. This season brings a lot of wonderful things:

  • Ice Cream
  • Barbecues
  • Temperatures warm enough for swimming

And it also comes with some dangers:

  • Snakes
  • Sharks
  • Getting run over by a lawnmower

But the most dangerous, the most insidious of summer hazards, is this guy:

mosquito1

I think we can all agree that the mosquito is the true bastard of the animal world. Obviously, mosquitoes got tired of bears and poisonous spiders getting all of the drama and attention, so they had to take action. They feel like they have something to prove to the rest of the animal kingdom.

Last summer, I thought it’d be fun to randomly develop a severe allergy to mosquitoes, despite never having had a reaction before. It’s all part of my master plan to preserve my average looks.

The demons would bite me, and my skin reacted by getting swollen, hot, and horrifically itchy.

Like this!

And this!

I know what you’re thinking – how does this girl not have a line of admirers following her everywhere? I’m stumped too, you guys. I’m stumped too.

But this year – I will not be brought down by the mosquito! I will not look like I’m slowly turning inside out! This year, I WILL fight back!

Here are the battle strategies I’ve come up with so far:

1. Dress like I’m Joey Tribbiani playing a nonsensical prank on Chandler

mosquito6
They recommend wearing layers? I’LL SHOW THEM LAYERS.

2. Slowly poison myself and others by maintaining a permanent cloud of DEET

mosquito7
I can always get new lungs on the black market.

3. Start a line of mosquito net fashion – I’ll call it “insect couture”

mosquito8
Hello children. I’ll be your counselor.

4. Hire tough-looking mosquito hit-men to walk beside me and swat away any invaders

mosquito9.jpg
Hit-men cleverly disguised as skinny teenage boys

I’m fresh out of ideas at this point – UNLESS I can find a way to fashion earrings out of citronella candles…

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23 thoughts on “The Mosquito is So Not Neat-O

  1. Oh my goodness! I get far less mosquito bites than I did when i was a kid. I thought it was all owing to the fact that kids had sweeter flesh which enticed the mosquitos. Guess that’s not true in your case. Must be the cheese!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was getting bitten way less often in adulthood, too! Last summer was my first summer in a new town, so I thought maybe this area had extra tough mosquitoes or something, but I think it was just a freak thing. Or like you said – all that cheese lures them in!

      Like

  2. Ouch! Where I used to play football we had horse flies in the early part of the season. One guy was bitten so badly we had to take him hospital. The rest of us did the Joey Tribbiani thing!

    Like

    1. Yikes! I don’t think I’ve ever been bitten by a horse fly before. I can’t imagine having so many that you have to be hospitalized! I don’t blame you for going the Tribbiani Route – all of those layers probably helped with padding too 😉

      Like

  3. Ugh, I HATE mosquitos too! I’m one of those people they love to bite. Science has yet to explain why.

    Last week I saw citronella plants at an outdoor cafe. For some reason, I had never put together that citronella came from plants. They smelled like the candles, of course.

    I’m thinking about planting them all around my yard. It wouldn’t help with mosquitos in general, but it might at least keep them the hell away from my house.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They’re the absolute worst, aren’t they? I was bitten a lot as a kid, and then went a couple years without being bitten at all. I guess they felt they needed to “make up” for lost time haha.

      I FINALLY figured out last year that my apartment building was the problem. So, if you can keep the jerks away from your house, you’ll probably be good!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. We’ve had a higher population of mosquitoes up here the past few years and everyone is slathering themselves in some kind of vanilla/castor oil/lemon potion made locally that everyone swears by. Locals are so addicted that when I worked at the library the last two years, they smelled like the spray all summer. Which isn’t bad.

    I recommend you pair the Net Couture with the earrings. Then you won’t get hot. Here’s hoping!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know if it’s the same thing, but a lot of people here swear by a certain type of Johnson’s baby lotion. I tried it and was so hopeful it’d work, but unfortunately, dousing myself with bug spray was the most effective thing. Who needs to breathe, anyway?!

      I also am a big fan of the Insect Couture. I googled “mosquito net fashion” and died a little when that picture came up 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, breathing-sheathing.

        Baahahahaha I love that you googled “mosquito net fashion” to get that photo. I’ve googled the best, most random things since starting this blog. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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