Ahhh…summertime. This season brings a lot of wonderful things:
- Ice Cream
- Temperatures warm enough for swimming
And it also comes with some dangers:
- Getting run over by a lawnmower
But the most dangerous, the most insidious of summer hazards, is this guy:
I think we can all agree that the mosquito is the true bastard of the animal world. Obviously, mosquitoes got tired of bears and poisonous spiders getting all of the drama and attention, so they had to take action. They feel like they have something to prove to the rest of the animal kingdom.
Last summer, I thought it’d be fun to randomly develop a severe allergy to mosquitoes, despite never having had a reaction before. It’s all part of my master plan to preserve my average looks.
The demons would bite me, and my skin reacted by getting swollen, hot, and horrifically itchy.
I know what you’re thinking – how does this girl not have a line of admirers following her everywhere? I’m stumped too, you guys. I’m stumped too.
But this year – I will not be brought down by the mosquito! I will not look like I’m slowly turning inside out! This year, I WILL fight back!
Here are the battle strategies I’ve come up with so far:
1. Dress like I’m Joey Tribbiani playing a nonsensical prank on Chandler
2. Slowly poison myself and others by maintaining a permanent cloud of DEET
3. Start a line of mosquito net fashion – I’ll call it “insect couture”
4. Hire tough-looking mosquito hit-men to walk beside me and swat away any invaders
I’m fresh out of ideas at this point – UNLESS I can find a way to fashion earrings out of citronella candles…