Letter to My Cantankerous Computer: A Response from My Laptop

laptop1

Several months ago, I wrote a letter to my laptop. We shared our ten-year anniversary together this year, so the letter was partly loving and appreciative – and partly accusatory. Just like letters between humans.

Today’s Blogging U. assignment was to write a letter to someone/something – to yourself, to another person, even to an object or idea. Because this is something I’ve already done before, I considered just ignoring the prompt, and picking back up with the course tomorrow.

But then… I thought it’d be interesting to put myself in the perspective of my laptop, and write a response to my letter. You know, a response from the laptop.

Was I drinking when I came up with this idea, you ask? Nope, stone-cold sober! Which is probably somehow worse…

Laptop’s response to my letter:

Dear User,

I am glad that you appreciate all the hard work I’ve done for you. Actually, I’m not “glad” because gladness is a human emotion, and as a machine, I am incapable of that. Instead, let’s just say that your letter was processed and received as you intended.

Anyway, I was chagrined (damn it, I did it again) to read your letter about my lengthy list of flaws. Tell me, how would YOU feel if someone did that to you? If they painstakingly detailed all of the things that you don’t do correctly? Because let me tell you, user, you are no perfect being, either. At least I don’t try to convince myself that donuts are a well-balanced breakfast. BURN.

Second of all, where do you get off trying to make me feel guilty for dying those times? I realize that my death put you through a lot of stress, but you’re the one who gave me the viruses in the first place. That’s victim-blaming if I ever heard it.

Also, you do get that I’m old, right? I know that ten in human years is still a child, but in technology years, it’s basically 100. I am an elderly object. A senior machine. You have to expect that I won’t run as smoothly as I did before, and that I’ll require more upkeep.

Clearly, you’re just ageist.

So, yeah, maybe my on-button sometimes falls inside, and my down-arrow key sticks, and sometimes I won’t let you download newfangled programs. I’m even more embarrassed about these things than you are.

Or I would be, if I were capable of complex emotions.

But that part where I make you keep the cord in the exact correct spot? I’m just messing with you. Old people objects have to get their fun somewhere.

Cordially, Sincerely, Love,

-Laptop.

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26 thoughts on “Letter to My Cantankerous Computer: A Response from My Laptop

  1. momsranting

    Love it!! I really do, you captured the essence of your laptop perfectly, I’m sure. Now do you find yourself thinking of it as “him or her”? I once wrote a letter to puke on my blog….. I wonder what he/she would say back?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you sure you didn’t get drunk and marry that thing? You have assimilated an old married couole relationship. If it have a list of flaws you had I would start thinking this was non fiction post. Nice Ely done.😀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Run while you have the chance!! Remember computers can talk to everything these days! Don’t believe it can’t download things. The Movie 2001: A Space Odyssey told us all about what happens. The computer eventually realizes you are a parasite draining the machine.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you want to disarm it let it go dead first! If you saw the movie you would know. If you haven’t well put the computer in a different room first, just make sure it doesn’t see the end

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Maaaan. Ten years together and your computer doesn’t even call you by your name. Rough.
    I like that it has to have the cord in the right spot just because it has to get its jollies somewhere. 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have a high level of emotion for my laptop. I almost broke down and cried when it’s motherboard went down a year ago. I did a eulogy for its funeral until it was resurrected as a Christmas gift. I cried tears of joy that I never would for a human.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally get you. Whenever mine would randomly shut off, I’d get pissed off. But when it stayed off, and became clear that something was very wrong, my anger would turn into complete anguish. I’d throw myself on it and beg it to come back to life. Eulogies for technology are completely understandable and appropriate!

      Like

      1. Haha, your comment cracked me up! Mine is filled with about 100 different Word docs of books or projects that I tried to start, but then abandoned and moved on to something else 😦 I’m glad that you find my relationship with my laptop “impressive” though, because my friends and family call me “stubborn” and “cheap.” 😉

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  5. thoughts36

    Haha I love this post. I’m same as bensbitterblog when my much loved laptop overheated and died. I was beside myself with grief. I got it fixed too just before Christmas but our relationship hasn’t been the same since, the trust has gone haha.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is awesome.

    It would be hard to get rid of a computer that’s so sensitive and expressive, even if it has a bit of a martyr complex. You guys have been through a lot together. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Everyday Inspiration: Wrapping it Up – Just in Queso

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