How to House-Sit Like a Boss

If you find yourself house-sitting for a friend, I recommend following these handy tips:

1. Demand piles of money in return for your sitting services. (Piles of presents will also suffice.) 


2. Ensure that your friend adequately defends these presents from predators. 


3. Take advantage of the friend’s variety of entertainments. 

I love you, Netflix. And I love you too, Kimmy Schmidt.

4. If the friend has pets, make sure they’re still alive at the end of your stay. Dead pets don’t bode well for good friendships.

5. Even though you do need to be nice to the friend’s pets, you don’t have to allow the dog to lick your armpits. That’s just a bit too intimate.

Unless you’re into that sort of thing. 

licking her lips as she eyes my armpits

6. Eat all of your friend’s delicious leftovers. Eat more than you can even fit in your body, just because you CAN.

7. Subtly suggest that your friend get a swimming pool installed before your next stay. I recommend complimenting them on their “large, pool-shaped backyard.” 

8. If you don’t have pets of your own, understand that cats are creepy at night. Why all the mysterious noises and activities, cats? Why?  


9. Do 1-2 nice things during your stay: fill an ice cube tray, wipe off the counter, etc. Doing ONE thing establishes you as helpful and ensures that you’ll be asked to sit again. BUT doing more than one thing might make your friend feel self-conscious about the cleanliness of her household. Better to play it safe. 

Have you ever house-sat (house-sitted?) for anyone? What did you like or dislike about this experience? What handy tips can you provide?
 

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30 thoughts on “How to House-Sit Like a Boss

    1. Oh no, that’s the worst fear when it comes to house-sitting! I thought I lost my friend’s cat once – I looked all over the house for her and I was freaking out. Then she casually popped out of a kitchen cabinet. Cats.

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  1. Haha, that’s great. I never housesat, but I did dog sit once for some lawyers over several days. They were so strict with their poor, skinny dogs. The lawyers would only feed them green bean snacks.

    I believe they meant well, but I felt so terrible for those dogs. I finally broke down and brought them a bunch of hamburgers and chicken one night (never told). The dogs went to town and then crawled up on the couch and slept next to me every night. I stand by my choices.

    I love your #9 tip! That balance of being helpful yet not intrusive. I’m gonna use that sometime 🙂

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    1. Aww, that makes me so sad for those dogs 🙁. You definitely did the right thing in giving them a good meal! I’m sure they adored you after that.

      Fortunately, the pets I’m watching are well-fed and taken care of, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to load them into my car and take them home with me…

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      1. I think the owners were honestly trying to keep the dogs healthy, but were completely neurotic about it. Poor guys… They were definitely my buddies after all the meat.

        Glad the pets you have are taken care of 🙂 Pets are great

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      2. I do have a friend who feeds her pet mostly vegetables, with some bland chicken mixed in – but her dog has stomach issues and this was recommended by the vet. Maybe that’s what the lawyers were doing? Although, if that were the case, the dogs probably would’ve had a bad reaction to all that meat!

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      3. I think they were just afraid of the dogs getting fat. They also gave me a map of an enormous walk the dogs supposedly take, but the dogs crapped out after a block or two. I think they never got any exercise.

        It bothered me. I wanted to feed them then give them lots of exercise.

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  2. Ah!! You are confirming that we are Blog-Twins! In the town I recently moved from, I house-sat for two friends and reaped the same benefits that you did AND was terrified of the cats at night. I’m allergic to cats, so I was pretty scared of them during the day, too. But I actually thought someone broke into the house of one friend one night, because how can something that’s so silent and slick all day make the sounds of a clumsy, 7 ft tall, 300 lbs man at night?!

    I also felt bad because that same friend was on a fun vacation with his spouse and I kept texting photos the first night to ask if things around the house were normal. They had an electric fireplace that was broken, so there was a lone flame that wouldn’t turn off. They failed to tell me about it until I texted a trillion questions, descriptions, and photos.

    Otherwise All of the Things you listed were true. Oh, but I’m also always afraid to leave the pets. Guilt overcomes me each time.

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    1. Hahaha I’m allergic to cats too 😆. The twin-ness continues! But yeah, cats become really weird at night! Like you said, I wouldn’t hear them at all during the day, and then as soon as I’m trying to sleep, they come to life. At one point, there was a really loud noise, and I was sure one of them had knocked something over, so I turned on the light. Nothing was amiss, and the cat was sitting on the floor staring at me like I was the problem. Creeps.

      That’s really weird about the fireplace! You definitely did the right thing to check in about that. I had to text my friend to ask where she kept the band-aids, because I managed to injure my toe while I was there. Lol.

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      1. I actually said, “YEAH!” out loud, because when I went to check on the loud noise during MY experience, the cat just gave me a, “Chill, man.” look.

        I also brought my dog and the cat kept looking at him like she was going to eat him, despite being his size. It was obviously unsettling.
        I had taken him over when I hung out with my friends before they left, and we all assumed my dog was hanging out alone in the basement… it turned out the cat had cornered him, so I had good reason to believe she had plans to devour him.

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      2. Agreed! People don’t understand why I feel this way!
        But when I housesat for ANOTHER person (I didn’t realize I’ve housesat for so many people), I had an awful “allergic reaction” to her cat and one eye was swollen shut. I had to work that day at a job serving the public, so I tried to brush my hair over it and look at the patrons with only one side of my face.

        I’ve never had that reaction to a cat before. I usually just have itchy eyes and sneeze a ton, so I think it put a sort of spell on me.

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