A Kidney and Free HBO

I accomplished a huge victory today that I need you all to know about. I cancelled my subscription to Directv.

No applause necessary. Feel free to send congratulatory gifts, however.

About three weeks ago, my receiver went out, and a technician was supposed to come last night in order to fix it. Long story short, he didn’t show, and my attempt to schedule another appointment was much more complicated and dramatic than it should’ve been. I spent close to an hour on the phone, just being transferred from department to department, and having to repeat the problem to each new person.

I got really frustrated, and ended up texting a friend a message that contained no words – just emojis of knives and bombs.

It’s the contemporary way to express your anger.

Anyway, you’d think I would’ve been eager to channel all those negative feelings into a cancellation phone call. Alas, that is not how Amanda’s brain works

There’s an episode of Friends where Chandler is tired of paying fees for a gym membership that he never uses – however, he knows that there’s no way he’ll be strong enough to cancel on his own, so he enlists Ross’s help for some assertiveness training. They even role-play the interaction for practice:

kidney1

kidney2

Unfortunately for Chandler, the gym employees don’t let him off that easily. They remind the poor guy that he’ll lose out on Swedish spa services, call him a quitter, throw in a little body-shaming, and then convince Ross to join the gym.

Most people probably see that scene and think that Chandler is pathetic, or hilarious, or maybe hilariously pathetic. But I see it and think, “This is it. I’m Chandler.” I can feel the man trying to be confident, but losing his resolve. I can feel his sheer discomfort.

The problem is, I for some reason equate being firm and assertive with being rigid and mean.  I can talk myself into making a difficult phone call to a company, but then the customer service reps are nice and apologetic, and it suddenly feels as though I’m personally offending them by complaining about their product or service. I’m used to being kind and helpful, and standing up for myself doesn’t feel kind or helpful.

Did you hear that? I think Freud just rolled over in his grave.

Today, I was genuinely fed up with Directv, and I was determined to not be a Chandler. (Only with me, the problem is not a flabby gut, but a flabby resolve.) In order to push past that overwhelming urge to be nice, I had to purposely keep myself in a frustrated and impatient state, or else I’d give in.

And just like in that episode of Friends, they pulled out all the stops.

The following is a summary of a conversation with Directv that may or may not have happened:

Employee: “I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced these inconveniences. Instead of cancelling, would you be interested in six months of free HBO?”

Me: “Erm…um. No.”

Employee: “Okay. How about $20 off your bill for six months, AND you still get the free HBO?”

Me: “Nah, home slice.”

Employee: “I can see that you’re quite serious about this. I’m now prepared to offer you one of my kidneys, as well as the promise that I will name my firstborn child after you.”

Me: pauses to consider… “No, that’s okay.”

Employee: “The kidney and firstborn child are of course in addition to the HBO and reduced bill.”

Me: “I still just want to cancel.”

Employee: “Of course, ma’am. But before I transfer you to that department, you do need to understand that  if you cancel, we will be forced to rain down a plague of cockroaches on your home.”

Me: shudders.  “I’ll just… stay inside forever, then. That’s fine. But I still don’t want Directv anymore.”

I did it. I stuck with it until the rep was done offering a variety of bribes and vague threats. While my memory of that interaction might be slightly exaggerated, I’m still childishly proud of myself for sticking to the plan to cancel services.

Again, feel free to send gifts. I like chocolate, cheese, wine, and the color purple.

Does anyone else have trouble being assertive about certain things? What do you do to maintain your resolve? How do you balance politeness with firmness?

 

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14 thoughts on “A Kidney and Free HBO

      1. Ha! I write down every single thing that I need to say. Like, not as bullet points, but conversationally. That way, I can practice AND I won’t forget why I’m calling. ‘Cause when they transfer me and I get all caught up in the phone music that plays while you wait, I don’t wanna drift away and get confused about why I called. I can just get back to my script. 😀

        I don’t really feel rude, though. I remind myself that there is a difference between being assertive and aggressive and as long as I’m being polite, yet assertive with the customer service people, then I’m not ruining their day by being a big ol’ bully. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m so glad you mentioned the “mental drift” because I totally did the same thing. I’d been on hold for 15 minutes, so I had started wandering around my apt, tidying things up while I waited. When the person finally answered, I had a moment of, “Wait, who was I calling? What did I need?”

        I was starting to think I was developing a crazy early form of dementia, so I’m glad other people apparently do it too.

        …unless we’re BOTH developing early dementia 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ha! I was thinking your final sentence before I read it. 😄 At least you didn’t screech, “WHY DID YOU CALL ME?! I’m so annoyed with you telemarketers!”

        Which leads me to: Have you ever had someone call you and put you on hold as soon as you answer?? I have, and that’s not okay.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think I’ve had people answer the phone, only to immediately say they were putting me on hold, but they still said something. I don’t think anyone’s ever just put me on hold without telling me. That’s crazy rude! Has that happened to you?

        I also used to have a friend who would seriously forget why he was calling me. I’d answer, we’d make small talk, and then he’d say, “so what’s up? Why did you call?”

        Uhh…you called ME.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. It HAS happened to me and I’ve said no. That is NOT how you treat a Megs. But if they did what your friend did, I’d probably be entertained. I’m sure there’s a good marketing scheme in there…

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Nope..I have no problem with being assertive with things like this. I am always polite…but they don’t scare me. 😉

    I never thought the Ross part made sense in this episode. He’s always frugal and very confident in those scenarios in the rest of the show.
    ‘Or you could just go to the gym’ LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh, I need to take lessons from you then, Nikki! Haha. I think what feels rude to me probably sounds fine to everyone else, but in the moment, I just can’t stand feeling like I’m being rude!

      Yeah, Ross didn’t usually back down on things. On the other hand, it was a beautiful woman who convinced him to join, and we do know he has a weakness in that area haha.

      Like

      1. Yes that is true.
        Ya know what works for me with those kinds of calls..I always..and I mean always tell the person I’m talking to that I’m not upset with them. I’m frustrated. I know they are not the company..they just happen to be the one who answered my call. That seems to make them feel better and it makes me feel better too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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