Torture Chambers and Other Pleasant Ideas

A couple of days ago, I waxed poetically  complained about my mutant eye disease. I’m happy to say that I simply have a mild (though mysteriously-obtained) eyelid infection, and I should be back to overusing eyeliner in no time!

 “That’s good. You looked like Quasimodo, but without the hump.” – My mom

Damn. She’s not wrong.

The upside to this appointment (aside from the fact that my eye is not going to spontaneously fall out of my head), is that my eye doctor  paid me a lovely compliment. He took note of the fact that my toenail polish, shirt, and purse all (unintentionally) match today, and told me I “looked fancy.”

I fluttered my crusty and swollen eyelid at him in response.

The downside to this appointment was entering the exam room and feeling like I’d crossed the threshold into my own personal torture chamber. It was like someone had asked me to write down my least favorite things in the world, and then charged me an insurance copay to experience them. Granted, the room didn’t include knives and chains and fire, so it wasn’t THAT torturous. It was more of a modest torture chamber. You know, as opposed to a severe one.

First of all, directly across from the exam chair, there hangs a huge, floor-to-ceiling mirror. Therefore, as a I sat in the chair, I was forced to look in this mirror and witness what my hips and thighs look like when I’m sitting. Everything just sort of….spreads out.

Perturbed by the sight, I started adjusting my sitting positions and leg placements in order to get the most attractive angle.

Yes, this looks totally natural.

To add insult to injury, the office radio started playing the song, “Maria” by Brooks & Dunn. I have held an unwavering hatred of that song since I was 4 years old. The song didn’t even come out until I was 8, so that should show you how much I hate it. When it plays, I want to stab someone, vomit, and cry, all at the same time.

Seriously, it’s like listening to a bag of cats being set on fire. I just can’t do it. I can’t. No.

The only way this (modest) torture chamber could have been made worse is if the office staff had somehow managed to waft the smells of gasoline and burned popcorn through the vents. Even worse,  if they’d dangled a platter of chips and queso above my head – just ever-so-slightlyyy out of my reach.

All in all, I’d say the compliment and positive eye news almost balance out the wretched song and thigh view. It’s a close call, though, so I may have to have a glass of wine just to make for certain the day ends well.

Weapons and fire aside, what would be your idea of a personal torture chamber? Would there be a certain song or noise playing? A specific smell? What other factors would be present?



18 thoughts on “Torture Chambers and Other Pleasant Ideas

    1. Thank you!! I’m so glad someone else gets it haha. It’s truly the worst thing ever. I don’t really care for country music now either, but even when I liked it as a kid, I still couldn’t take that song. You’re an extremely patient person to tolerate that every day.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh come on!! IA quick burst of air from a psycho who counts to a hundred to make you squirm waiting for that little blast of air. I get eyes dailated so I walk out with black holes for eyes and can’t open them without serious sunglasses. But I still put dentist as more torturous, the smell when they use the drill. I think they put a block of sulfur in your mouth and burn it to make your thing your teeth are rotting. I would put modern pop music in the “please drive a foot long spike squarely through my skull” feel.


  2. Oh my I am truly laughing out loud -you know like LOL. So hilarious! I would say the dentist is similar in its torture devices, smells, and sounds (high pitched shrill drills -dear God!) The DMV on a hot day without air conditioning is another. Pretty much any public restroom. Now I need a drink.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha I’m glad you found it funny! The dentist’s office is a really good example of torture, ugh. I hate the glaucoma test at the eye doctor, but the dentist is definitely worse – especially with all those noises! The DMV is good too, or any kind of government office, really. Especially if there’s a long line, they’re short-staffed, and there’s a crying toddler. I shudder just thinking about it!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. thoughts36

    Without a doubt, the dental surgery is like something out of a horror movie. With the descaling at the top of the torture list, I’d have a filling or extraction any day over a scale. Music to accompany it? Think Jaws theme tune.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh, yes, the dentist is definitely worse than the eye doctor! I don’t even really mind eye appts all that much – it was more of the song (and view of my reflection) that was driving me crazy. Dental surgery to the tune of Jaws should absolutely be a horror movie plot. You’ve got a talent for this!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Consp-eye-racy Theories – Just in Queso

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