Consp-eye-racy Theories


A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that my eyelid hates me and has decided to rebel against the rest of my face. I went to the eye doctor, endured a little torment, got some antibiotics, and assumed I was well on my way to living happily ever after.

Unfortunately, my eyelid is still in a bad state. No, it’s not in Arkansas. I just meant that it’s still really red and uncomfortable.

The antibiotics improved the condition somewhat, then it stayed exactly the same with no improvement for several days, and then it suddenly got much worse. It looks a little something like this, only much less fashionable:

Eyes are creepy up close, no?

I’ve asked my eyelid why it’s committing mutiny, and it has yet to answer. I would torture it for information, but since it’s attached to me, it’d be like I’m torturing myself. And it’s already doing a pretty good job of that on its own. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So since my eyelid is my enemy, and I am the enemy of my eyelid, then I am actually my friend.  But I can’t technically be my own friend, because a) that might make my other friends feel a little insecure about where they stand with me, and b) my eyelid is not really my enemy. My eyelid might think that we’re enemies, but I personally dislike conflict, and would prefer that we all just get along.

Especially since this particular enemy is attached to my face.

After giving it some thought, I’ve come up with a couple of reasons for my eyelid’s suddenly-worsened condition. You might call them conspiracy theories. Or, consp-eye-racy theories.

No, don’t give me that look. You have to give me this terrible joke. I have nothing else.

Theory 1 – Three years ago, I woke up with shingles. My eyelid is under the impression that I enjoyed that time of my life, and is trying to help me relive it.

Theory 2 – My eyelid knows how much I like the colors pink and purple, and thinks I would like to experience these colors on my face.

Theory 3 – My eyelid is misogynistic, and is dissatisfied with my feminist views.

Theory 4 – I told a friend that my skin is looking better than it has in years, thanks to avoiding makeup for the past month. I was trying to have a “look on the bright side” attitude, but my eyelid may have misconstrued this as arrogance, and is wanting to bring me down a peg or two. According to my body, something about my appearance must always be amiss.

Whatever reason my eyelid has, I went back to the doctor on Thursday, and now I’m on a tougher, burlier medication. It’s like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of antibiotics.

In yo face, eyelid! Except you live on my face, so your face is also my face. But that’s beside the point!

Honestly, I was hoping the doctor could provide a more elaborate treatment for me. Like…eyelid transplant surgery or something. I have no sentimental feelings left toward this eyelid at all, so I have no problem using some dead person’s eye curtains. If that’s not possible, we could even take a flap of skin from somewhere on my body. Like the back of my knee. Or my butt.

Eyelids made from butts might be unconventional, but maybe they’re less likely to get infected or fall off my face. Yes, maybe butt-lids are more conforming.

I’m going to go ahead and apologize for this sufficiently weird post 🙂




18 thoughts on “Consp-eye-racy Theories

  1. I have another theory: your eye is happy that you’re a feminist, but thinks you’ve compromised too much. She’s one of those extremist eyes that gets hung up on trite details, like how you’re putting makeup on her.

    Why does she have to be objectified like that? Isn’t it enough for her to see properly? Why must you dress her in ridiculous, impractical colors?

    See, she started cooperating after you quit applying eye makeup.

    You need to have a serious talk with her about focusing on the big picture, using puns. Remind her that misogynist societies like to cover women up, so you’re asserting your power of self-expression. Hopefully she will come around.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha!! I loved everything about this, especially “one of those extremist eyes” – as though this a well-known issue in the world.

      I think you’re right, I think I just need to have a frank, pun-filled chat with her and remind her that, although I do wear makeup (and do other stereotypically “feminine” things), the whole point of feminism is being able to choose and do what you like without feeling forced by others to make those choices. Come on, eyelid! We gotta work together!


  2. Pingback: September Remembered – Just in Queso

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